Ground Control to Major Tom

Yes, I still suffer from migraines, back pain, extreme neurofatigue. But is my brain still busted? 

I work as many hours as I can from home as a freelance marketing writer. I've gotten good feedback on my professional writing. (God help us, this here is not a good example of my professional writing.) I smile a bit more when there's something to smile about. 

Even acquaintances, though, can tell something's happened. It's not my wooden leg that's a giveaway. No, I don't actually have a wooden leg, but a creepy thing I've heard from an acquaintance after I'd disclosed my accident was, "Mel. You don't even walk the same." That was startling, as I thought I had fooled the world. Busted brain? Not me. Accident? What accident. But actions are slower, speech is more methodical, even my gait doesn't have the same hurried pep. So it's still difficult seeing someone I "knew." 

Nonetheless, back to a light amount of work, fire in the belly, taking on the world between naps. That's got to be a good sign, right?

I'd gotten a recommendation from an acquaintance who'd actually suffered several brain injuries herself. The one neurologist in town who'd casually dismissed me within 10 minutes had drained all my hope. But, as these headaches and migraines continued, I finally thought after several months that it might help to have a second opinion.

I still see my regular primary care physician, who was the first to flag me as a serious case. During a checkup, I mentioned I had an intake with a doctor specializing in traumatic brain injuries in the next town over. She was shocked. 

"How did you get an appointment?" she asked. "Who referred you? I can't even get anyone in. He's not taking referrals."

"I just called and called until they took me," I replied.

It didn't occur to me that his office might say no. 

That first day in his office. Behavioral Health and Wellness. Jeez, if that doesn't make me sound crazy. But it helped as he'd suffered a near-fatal injury, as well. Even psychologically, he was an easy person to talk to. 

I'm completely glossing over the test.

I didn't quite understand the test I undertook for admittance. This test is essentially why I haven't given up this blog. I may occasionally feel like the comeback kid, that I fool strangers into appearing as if nothing is wrong, I pass myself off to friends and family as doing much better.

Everyone remembers from school feeling prepared for a test only to begin with the stunned realization that everything you'd studied was nowhere to be seen. 

Except my test? There was no studying for. Imagine being in the position of realizing you're unable to count backward from 25. Like, I'd get to 16 and my brain would say, "No data found." And shapes. Unable to identify shapes. I immediately thought of times when I definitely needed to shapes, like a stop sign. But stating I can't quite identify shapes is a huge simplification. Essentially, here's the initial review. My linguistic skills are great. I mean, not what they used to be, but they're the glue that holds my brain together, apparently. Anything even associated with so much as a letter, I can remember all day. Memory and comprehension involving language is good.

Everything else is scary. As in, how have I been functioning so impaired? Math. Numbers. Shapes. I'm flunking out of kindergarten. It's more complicated than that. It's not as if I can't tell you a triangle is a triangle. It's that there's no memory a minute later that I just saw a triangle. Show me the word "hypotenuse," I'll remember it all day. Words mean something; anything else basically does not. I guess this is a good strength to still retain as a writer. 

This doctor and this clinic specialize in not busted. That is, therapies for forming new pathways. It's the major rebooting of a computer. We're hardcore in safety mode, trying to diagnose what's wrong.

I have more testing in the next few weeks to further diagnose which parts of my brain have been affected. Again, simplification. There's obviously a specific part that's malfunctioning by my going blank in that initial test. 

People in my condition can retrain their brain, sometimes. It's as easy as 25, 24, 23...