Weird Blessings
There are times, every so often, that I wonder if I'm having a false memory. Maybe my brain, frustrated with the gaps, just subs something in. The problem with that theory, though, is that in my heart of hearts, I know this simply isn't true. I've led an odd life. Most weird stories don't even make it into my long-term memory, a good 90 percent just ending up in on the cutting room floor of the movie of my life.
And if there was any doubt to false memories, I wouldn't keep collecting these stories.
In that moment, I was in my new-to-me car. Still a Subaru, but different model and color. I had just ordered a chocolate croissant and froufrou coffee from Starbucks. It was the middle of the day, and I'd pulled into the lot to enjoy my meal, nothing except that the soy in my drink really didn't ruin the taste, after all. This was all that was on my mind, if even that was on my mind as more than a passing thought.
Suddenly, the passenger door to my car opened. Neither could I see who it was, but nor was I startled. I was, however, annoyed at the intrusion. That I had sense enough to know.
"Dude," I said to the faceless body actually getting into my front seat. "This is not cool."
My tone was matter-of-fact, although I could have been talking to Ted Bundy or Mister Rogers, it made no difference to me except that I was inconvenienced.
I had my dark shades on, drink in hand, when a woman opened with, "What's that?" in reference to my drink.
I didn't take off my glasses or answer the question, as I was trying to identify this woman. I assumed she must be a friend, and an odd one at that, because head trauma or no, this did not seem exactly normal.
It could have been 30 seconds or 30 minutes of silence, and no expression or movement from me. Finally, I did have a name, Mandy, a friend I rarely saw, an odd duck.
"Your hair is short," I answered in response to the drink question, I guess.
"Oh, I cut it. It's too short. I hate it. Do I need to whiten my teeth?"
She then pulled back her lips and opened her mouth, turning her face from side to side to have me study her teeth. This question I decide to take seriously, for some reason.
"No, not really."
"I'm looking at your teeth and they're so white. Mine aren't that white. This is a nice car."
"Oh?"
I realize this is not my usual car, the one totaled in my accident. The accident that I wasn't talking to anyone about. Then I actually had a somewhat normal question to a bizarre situation.
"How did you know it was me?"
"Because I pulled up and noticed it was you. We should have sushi. Friday. Friday? Friday."
"Friday, " I repeat, and like that, she's getting out of my car and into hers and driving away.
If this sounds like something I've invented, pretty much any interaction I've had with Mandy has gone relatively this way. I used to be excited to play along with this song and dance, the complete spontaneity, the ode to ADHD.
I suddenly had a few revelations I'd never consciously had before. First, Friday was tomorrow. Second, Friday would never come. How strange how to realize not to mark anything on my calendar.
She'd been infectious before, I thought. My former self would have texted her Friday and then waited by the phone. Except either a blessing or a curse, I realized I was able to remember she was the friend who always let me down, except it was the first time I'd actually realized that's who she was to me. Why? Who knows. Her friendship suddenly didn't feel real. It was like for the first time, I didn't have to pretend like it was.
I did actually remember sushi on Friday, except I didn't reach out like I'd normally do. Also, there was no surprise that it came and went without a text or call or actual sushi from her.
Yes, a casual friend hopped into my car, and that was weird. What's weirder, though, was that all I felt about it was, "That was a whole lot of nonsense," like, that instance and I guess our whole relationship.
I think this is more blessing than curse.
And if there was any doubt to false memories, I wouldn't keep collecting these stories.
In that moment, I was in my new-to-me car. Still a Subaru, but different model and color. I had just ordered a chocolate croissant and froufrou coffee from Starbucks. It was the middle of the day, and I'd pulled into the lot to enjoy my meal, nothing except that the soy in my drink really didn't ruin the taste, after all. This was all that was on my mind, if even that was on my mind as more than a passing thought.
Suddenly, the passenger door to my car opened. Neither could I see who it was, but nor was I startled. I was, however, annoyed at the intrusion. That I had sense enough to know.
"Dude," I said to the faceless body actually getting into my front seat. "This is not cool."
My tone was matter-of-fact, although I could have been talking to Ted Bundy or Mister Rogers, it made no difference to me except that I was inconvenienced.
I had my dark shades on, drink in hand, when a woman opened with, "What's that?" in reference to my drink.
I didn't take off my glasses or answer the question, as I was trying to identify this woman. I assumed she must be a friend, and an odd one at that, because head trauma or no, this did not seem exactly normal.
It could have been 30 seconds or 30 minutes of silence, and no expression or movement from me. Finally, I did have a name, Mandy, a friend I rarely saw, an odd duck.
"Your hair is short," I answered in response to the drink question, I guess.
"Oh, I cut it. It's too short. I hate it. Do I need to whiten my teeth?"
She then pulled back her lips and opened her mouth, turning her face from side to side to have me study her teeth. This question I decide to take seriously, for some reason.
"No, not really."
"I'm looking at your teeth and they're so white. Mine aren't that white. This is a nice car."
"Oh?"
I realize this is not my usual car, the one totaled in my accident. The accident that I wasn't talking to anyone about. Then I actually had a somewhat normal question to a bizarre situation.
"How did you know it was me?"
"Because I pulled up and noticed it was you. We should have sushi. Friday. Friday? Friday."
"Friday, " I repeat, and like that, she's getting out of my car and into hers and driving away.
If this sounds like something I've invented, pretty much any interaction I've had with Mandy has gone relatively this way. I used to be excited to play along with this song and dance, the complete spontaneity, the ode to ADHD.
I suddenly had a few revelations I'd never consciously had before. First, Friday was tomorrow. Second, Friday would never come. How strange how to realize not to mark anything on my calendar.
She'd been infectious before, I thought. My former self would have texted her Friday and then waited by the phone. Except either a blessing or a curse, I realized I was able to remember she was the friend who always let me down, except it was the first time I'd actually realized that's who she was to me. Why? Who knows. Her friendship suddenly didn't feel real. It was like for the first time, I didn't have to pretend like it was.
I did actually remember sushi on Friday, except I didn't reach out like I'd normally do. Also, there was no surprise that it came and went without a text or call or actual sushi from her.
Yes, a casual friend hopped into my car, and that was weird. What's weirder, though, was that all I felt about it was, "That was a whole lot of nonsense," like, that instance and I guess our whole relationship.
I think this is more blessing than curse.
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